the last few days have been kind of rough. christmas is over. things are settling down. its quiet, slow, regular life. but its so not regular. my dad isn’t here for me to text every morning. he’s not here to call me just to say hi. he can’t stop by and see jude or bring him munchkins from dd. and i hate it.
so for me, god’s plan sucks right about now. it sucks because i am 27 years old and i lost my dad. it sucks because my future plans have gone down the drain. it sucks because jude probably won’t remember his bampy, and lucy didn’t even get to meet him. it sucks because there are so many other people i know who still have their dads…however crappy or old they may be. it sucks because my life has no hope of being as good as it could have been if my dad was still here.
i’m angry because i lost my main person. besides brian, dad was my person. we talked every day. he always gave me advice. we shared life. we shared our plans for the future. it was insane how my dad and i were alike. i felt like he always understood me…aside from the few issues that we disagreed on, its like we just got each other. and now i feel so alone.
and then i remember…god’s plan sucks sometimes because i’m not god. i don’t see things like he sees them. i can’t see the big picture or the future. but god can. i may not see a single positive thing that has come from dad’s death, but god can and he is much greater than my view of him or his plan could ever be.
so yes, this part of god’s plan for my life is complete crap. but i find comfort in the fact that god know’s what he’s doing whether i believe it or not.