do you ever have times when, for a split second, you forget a certain tragedy?
there are times when i am at home, distracted by the noise, the crying, the laughing of the kids…and i forget. i forget that dad is gone and i forget that dj is gone. i forget that the future i once looked forward to is not the future that will be. the moments are fleeting as my mind shifts to the harshness of reality. i quickly remember that i’ll never hear my dad’s gigantic laugh or hug his skinny frame. i remember that i’ll never see dj walk through my front door or partake in sarcastic banter.
i love these moments because i don’t feel pain. and i hate these moments because they aren’t real.
through this journey of loss, i have realized many things. one is that this process of two-fold grief will forever be a roller coaster ride. i will always be thankful for my life and for the time i was given with these loved ones. but i also recognize the fact that i will always wish things hadn’t turned out this way. i wish my time with dad and dj was longer. i can’t help that. it’s just the way it is.
i anticipate the moments when i forget the turmoil of life. they are a blessing and a curse all rolled into one tiny, nanosecond of time. so i am disappointed and i am thankful. these two extremes go well together these days.
“the Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. blessed be the name of the Lord.” job 1:21