i’ve been thinking about my dad a lot lately. the arrival of fall brings back memories of last year.
a few weeks ago megan and i were discussing the changing of seasons. she said she was worried because she was afraid she wouldn’t enjoy fall as much as she had in the past. i didn’t think it would bother me because i always look forward to this season’s arrival. but i guess i was wrong. it doesn’t feel the same as past years. the thought of remembering last fall is daunting. the scenes play over and over and over in my head. its the air, the smell, the feel of fall. i can’t help but remember.
i remember our last days together. jude hearing bampy’s final whisper in his ear. dad’s excitement about me quitting my job to work at brewster financial. our last family photo shoot and the announcement’s of spring babies. hospitals and doctors. dad’s tears. my whole family’s tears. my first and only “day” at brewster financial. frustration. sadness. i remember boston. dad’s last night out in the world. the north end. whole foods. talking to dad on the phone. hearing his voice shake with fear. i remember dad begging me to visit him. road trips. icu. cold. hoping for a new liver and a christmas miracle. emergency trips to boston. walking through the doors of the icu and seeing dad being wheeled through the hall with tubes down his throat and in his nose. i remember nostalgia. dad singing to his girls. holding my family close as we looked back on our life together. saying goodbye. tears. emptiness. hugs. saying the words “its a girl” 459 times. swallowing the lump in my throat. i remember the red sox shirt i wore to the memorial service. looking at dj and burying my face in my hands as i cried. i remember death. life. i remember leaves on the ground.
it was fall.
fall, what an oxymoron you are. i love you and i hate you. i want to remember and i want to forget. you seem so close yet so far away. i remember what you once were and i realize that you will never be the same.