god is good.

god is good, all the time.

i’ll be the first to admit that these words feel totally untrue, at times. i have my moments. sometimes i’m pissed at god for allowing certain things to happen: for taking my dad away from me, for ripping our best friend out of our lives, for erasing my future plans, for allowing persecution when we try to do what’s right. there are times when i doubt his goodness. but i quickly hear those familiar words…

his love never fails. it never gives up. it never runs out on me.

god’ plans are not mine. his plans far surpass anything that i could ever hope to imagine. and when i look back on the circumstances of my life i can clearly see the love and peace that christ has offered, even in the midst of complete heartbreak. it was not his desire for me to suffer loss. he never wished death and pain to enter my life. but it has…so god has chosen to pick up the pieces. he has lifted me up and carried me through this crazy storm of life. he is my hope. he is my peace. he is the anchor that holds fast amidst the crashing waves and whipping wind. HE IS GOD. he’s got this.

last fall was a total whirlwind. the year anniversary of my dad’s death is quickly approaching. so naturally, i’ve spent many hours remembering the events of 2011. i try not to think about it. i don’t want to go there. but i have to. i hold so tightly to those memories, even the hard ones, because i want to remember my dad. i want to remember how present god was with us during that time. i try to hard to never forget the last moments that my family of four spent together. they were amazing. and as hard and agonizing as it was, it was a gift. bittersweet, i suppose.

when i look back, i am amazed. my mom, sister and i saw my dad deteriorate before our eyes. our husband and father, our hero, the one who firmly led our family together slowly and surely suffered and fought until only his shell was left. disease ruined him. it took our father away from us, and way too soon. the sights we saw are hard to remember: my dad being wheeled down the hallway, with tubes covering his nose and mouth. his skin yellow. his eyes wide. his hair gray. he couldn’t eat, he couldn’t drink. megan fed him ice chips while i rubbed vaseline on his chapped lips. mom held his hand. we watched his belly swell as the infection grew. we sat as he he told the doctors his wishes: not to be kept alive because of machinery. our eyes followed his blood as it was filtering in and out of tubes. we waited, hoping for god to work a miracle. we listened as his doctor told us that there was nothing left to do. the battle was over. infection had won. we cried as we made a choice that no one should ever have to make. we kissed my dad. we sat and waited. we held his hand. we said goodbye.

we traveled home on thanksgiving day without my dad. it was cold. the roads were empty. life was not as it should be. family and friends came to visit. we stood near my dad’s ashes as we hugged those who came. we fought tears. i couldn’t talk to certain people: the sadness was too much to bear. we recalled memories and planned his memorial. we honored my dad with pictures and songs. we remembered.

and through it all, christ was there. he allowed us those precious moments with my dad before he passed. he gave peace and comfort. he sent people our way to take care of us and love us. he gave us babies. he provided clarity and direction. he worked things out. i could honestly feel him lift me up and carry me through the year, as if i was shielded by his loving hands as i walked across an endless battlefield.

had i not been covered by his love i am sure in the fact that i would have crumbled from the load of this year. so if you do not know the love of christ, i urge you to find it. it is so powerful and so indescribable. he offers rest for the weary and strength to the weak. call on him and he will answer. search for god; he is always there. his love will carry you through the darkest times. god is constant. his love is essential. his presence is a must.

god is good, all the time.

romans 8:38-39 “and i am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from god’s love. neither death nor life, neither angels or demons, neither our fears for today or our worries about tomorrow-not even the powers of hell can separate us from god’s love. no power in the sky above or in the earth below-indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of god that is revealed in christ jesus.”

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One thought on “god is good.

  1. Mary Gagnier says:

    Your mother & I have become facebook friends. We met on the PSC website. My husband Glenn had his transplant in Sept 2011 but his liver cancer had already spread through his chest. He passed away Dec 22, 2011. The way you discribe the events of losing your father are almost exactly what my husband, our son & I experienced. Your words are very uplifting & I thank you very much for sharing them. I know for a fact that it was only through God holding us up that we made it through the three months of my husband’s transplant, recovery & then his death. The love of family & friends has helped too. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts & your faith. It helped me a lot to read what you wrote.
    Praying for the comfort of your wonderful memories to take away some of the pain of your terrible loss.

    Mary Gagnier
    Clinton Township, MI

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