dear jude.

dear jude,

holy crap, man. what a rough patch. to be honest,  you have been literally awful lately. like to the point where i wonder if i ‘m going to survive. and i wonder if you’re going to grow up to be a horrible, terrible person. being a parent is scary, jude. you try my patience like i never knew was possible. i’ve started to ask people for prayer because i’m so lost about what to do with you. consistency is all i have, at this point. other than that i think we just need to wait it out.

your personality is difficult for a three year old. you are a perfectionist. you are a control freak. you are obsessive-compulsive. you’re into details and you want things just so. you’re bossy. basically, you are bampy in the body of a three year old. which is really not ideal. adulthood will be different, but until then, we are surviving.

i’ve spent many, many mornings/days/nights in tears. i pray that god will help daddy and i and that you will grow up to be controlled, kind, and thoughtful of others. you are these things, at times, but like i said, its a rough patch. i’m hoping/praying that this stage is the difficult one and that as you grow you will learn to control your emotions. i have a theory that someday you and lucy will trade…she will be more challenging and you’ll be the easy one.

you’ve had a hard time getting used to school. you always say in the morning that you don’t want to go. you are apprehensive at drop off. but then when i come to pick you up, you continuously throw the biggest fits. there has been two times that i haven’t had to bribe you with chocolate or snacks. its awful. yesterday your class was having circle time. all the parents waited outside and when they walked into the room their children ran up and greeted them with a huge hug. i glanced over at you and you were giving me the most evil death glare. with lucy on my hip, i walked over to say hi and guide you towards the door. you swatted at me and ran off to hide. one of your teachers spoke to you as i tried to coax you out of hiding. all the afternoon kids were staring. the other parents/kids had left as i grabbed your arm and dragged you towards the door. you made a huge scene. your other teacher tried to get you to calm down. nothing worked. bribes of chocolate, treats, surprises, a trip to disney. so, i dragged you down the steps, to the door, into the car, as lucy is falling from my grip. i don’t have to tell you what happened in the car.

at dinner that night we were discussing your little episode. you said, “well, the other kids get to stay for lunch and i don’t want to leave, i want to stay like they do!” there’s a play pals group that stays into the afternoon. i had previously asked if there were openings because i thought it might help you to be at school more often. but they are currently full. i guess i never thought that you would pick up on the fact that most of the kids in your class stay…but its not surprising that you did.

amidst all the horror of this current time, we’ve had some good days too. you have your sweet moments which give me glimmers of hope that you won’t grow up to be a criminal. you’ve been trying to be brave in the dark. when we go downstairs in the morning you say, “mom, i can go down without a light on because i’m not afraid of the dark.”

you’re getting so TALL. and smart. you pick up on things. you were having a hard time at bed the other night. when i went up to check on you you said, “mama, are you and daddy down there watching adult shows?” you’ve mentioned it a few times since then. you’re on to us.

jude, i think i’ve written this before, but you’re obsessed with being an adult. you think you are one, which adds another challenge to my job. you think you’re in charge. i often remind you that you’re not.

you HATE crumbs. like, hate them so much that they make your head spin and turn you into a raging tornado that takes hours to calm down. i know you get your hatred of crumbs from me.

the other day i was putting you in the car. i reached for something and got distracted…then i said, “oh jude, i almost forgot to buckle you in!” you said, “oh mom, remember that time that papa took me to the car show and he forgot to buckle me in but when we got there i was safe?!” i was like “oh jude, i think i just found out a secret!”

you’ve made a friend at school. his name is trent. i’m not even sure what he looks like, but you talk about he and andrew a lot. both of your teachers have mentioned trent and said that the two of you were “fast friends.”

i love you, man. i’ll always love you…no matter how frustrated i get with you or how defiant you are. i may not like you at times, but i’ll always love you. you are unique and funny, jude. we have so much fun together and i really do adore you.

love,

mama

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