i used to think i didn’t want kids. i never grew up thinking, “i want to be a mom.” i didn’t think i was made for it.
then, obviously, i changed my mind. i think your dad had a little something to do with that.
when i got pregnant with you, jude, i was terrified. you were totally planned, but you happened quickly. like, instantly. but that’s enough detail i suppose. i remember the day we found out. it feels like yesterday. i was helping a friend get ready for her wedding. i was fixing her hair and thinking to myself, “i really think i’m pregnant.” i got home and told daddy. i was too nervous to get a pregnancy test on my own, so he drove to the drugstore. my stomach was in knots.
i peed on the stick. we sat in the bathroom in our apartment downtown and waited. and watched. and waited some more. then, finally, that exciting, dreaded, life-changing word appeared. pregnant.
holy shit. i looked at your dad and said, “this can’t be real.” he was ecstatic. i was terrified. he cried tears of joy. i was frozen. “what have we done?” is what i thought.
eventually, i warmed up to the idea. i was happy and nervous, but the nervousness became less and the happiness became more. we told our parents. we went to meme and bampy’s house first. i couldn’t wait to tell my dad. i knew that he was so excited to be a grandfather. i also knew how happy he would be that he made it to another milestone: news of his first grandchild. we wrapped up a picture frame that said “you’re going to be grandparents!” bampy opened it and immediately started to laugh and cry. meme looked at the frame and her eyes lit up. we hugged and cried and talked about the future.
i remember bampy praying for you that day, jude. he thanked god for you and the miracle that you were, inside of my belly.
next, we went to papa and gramma’s house. we gave them the wrapped up frame. gramma read the words and instantly cried. she said, “is this a joke?!” papa cried too. there wasn’t a dry eye in the house. you were our little miracle baby. a son sent to carry on the keezer name. a little boy to add to the brewster lineage. a perfect, prayed for little blessing.
my belly got big. sickness came and went. we got to know you, jude, our little BOY. we found out in september. i called bampy first and said, “you’re going to have a golfing buddy!” he was beyond thrilled with that news. a grandson was what he wanted, jude, and that was you. papa looked forward to son/grandson activities. meme and gramma knew they’d be smitten. we knew your name right away. jude was always our number one choice.
we bought a house. we celebrated you. we got knews of your cousin, bella, growing in aunt megan’s belly. christmas came. i was HUGE. my doctor decided it’d be a good idea to get you out before you got too big. and out you came, on january 15th, 2010. life was we know it was gone forever. but that was ok. you were HERE. and you were awesome.
it was important to me to have bampy hold you first. this was a day that he couldn’t wait for. because of his liver disease he was always scared that he wouldn’t live to see his grandchildren. but he saw you, jude, and it was a big day for him. so after daddy and i had some time, our family came in. bampy held you. i had never seen a bigger smile. gramma, meme, and papa followed. i drank a milkshake. daddy chatted. we were happy.
jude, i think back to before i became a mom. life was easier. i didn’t have a care in the world. i had oceans of free time. stress was not abounding and i had more time for friends. but i didn’t have you. and i wouldn’t change it for the world.
you are my pride, jude. my son, my likeness, my love. and i now realize that it was exactly for this that i was made.